Random ass story for your life: There's nothing "in" vaginas

I'll tell you this story then let you guess why I'd like to have more comprehensive sex ed. Everywhere.

Actually it's 3 in one. Also, yes I'm fucking paraphrasing, deal.

It started many years ago when I was a young child and standing on an old wooden chair. I'd already been told not to stand on this chair but I did it anyway because that's what a young Xands does: exactly the opposite.

Anyway, I was on this chair, I have no idea why (probably just because) and I was standing in the seat so I decide to put my foot on the back of the chair. Well one thing led to another and I obviously end up falling to my doom. You see, I'd hit my crotch on the back of the chair. It hurt. A lot.

Now I'd kicked boys in the crotch before (again, just to do it) and seen how they doubled over in pain and turned into sopranos, but this shit right here? This shit right here? Ow. OW. HURT. I was clutching my private bits and wheezing like a vacuum had just sucked the oxygen out the room.

My dad, in the bathroom, obviously heard the thump and called, "WHAT YOU DOIN?"

Me, weakly: "...nothing~"

I was okay. I limped for a bit but I got over it. It was then that I knew, wow, there must be SOMETHING in there that makes it hurt as much for girls as it did for boys. Either that or I really did have a penis.

Fast forward, mm, bout 10 more years. I'm in a class room and some girl jokingly kicks me in the crotch (don't even ask, I don't remember) and I go down again. Everyone is confused--I'm a girl right? (questionable) Why would I go down from a kick to the crotch?

"It hurts for girls too," I said as I expired. "Probably worse."

"That's impossible," one boy says. "There's nothing in your...y'know...to hurt!"

Fast forward another few years to me in high school proper, in my health & wellness class. We're "learning" about teh sex. I recount both these stories to a couple of male friends, whimsically, and get the same response.

"But there's nothing in vaginas is there?"

And I say the closest equivalent of, "..."

What's in vaginas you ask? Well I'm pretty sure there's the vulva, some labia majora, a clit, and maybe your hymen, as well as some other stuff. I'm pretty sure when/if you get to perform cunnilingus (or if you own said vagina, if you just touch yourself every so often) those parts get all wet & tingly and they feel nice, because they're sensitive yes? Well if you VIOLENTLY STRIKE THOSE PARTS (depending on who you are & if you're into that, I don't judge) that shit hurts, because they're SENSITIVE. Works just like a penis & balls, maybe even worse so because girls don't have a penis & balls.

Unfortunately it seems a lot of girls are under this same impression that there's "nothing" in the vaginas (I guess it's just a hole?) to be injured so it's not like we have the "cup the fambly jewels" reflexes or anything. We don't know what's in our own damn YAAHEEEEEE'ses.

But yeah, there's nothing in vaginas. It's just a hole for you to stick some phallic object in. And you wonder why shit happens.

You know us negroes, we love segregation

I feel like every so often I have to pause and make sure everyone reading knows I'm black. I'm not just throwing out "negro" to look all hip and trendy or ironic, nor am I saying it just because I'm black. Everyone okay? Loosen your collars.

Anyway, my reasoning for that is not the purpose of this post.

The purpose of this post is, I need more people on Twitter that won't raise my blood pressure. I actually just need more people in general.

Earlier I saw a tweet from someone I know personally talking about the UniverSOUL (or UniverSOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuu....llll) Circus. If you can't guess by the clever spelling, this is a mostly blackcentric circus. You may have seen them on HBO some years ago. First off because black folks are associated with "soul".

In any case, to paraphrase he says something about the circus "alienating" folks. I don't know who the hell the UniverSOUl circus is alienating because it's open to everyone it just features black acts. Plus, unless I've been blind all these years, dude you ain't exactly white either. So who are we alienating? Chinese people? Don't they have their own circuses? Indonesians? New Guineans? Who the fuck doesn't have their own circus act now?

I inquire about this (not in those exact terms, I was polite) and he responds back with the separate but equal thing getting on his nerves. At this point I figure one of us is tripping & he's being majorly sarcastic so I'm sarcastic right back. Well I'm actually just like that anyway but I digress.

It does crack me up when people--such as Blancura¹--feel excluded from certain things involving people of color. If a circus featuring black folks as the stars is intimidating to you, there's really nothing left for you except to jump off a cliff because your kids are going to be wondering why they never get to go to see the elephants all day every day.

When people of color feel excluded from white events, usually one of us is invited as a token or we're just ignored. Or both actually, you can be an invisible token. But LAWD help the white people excluded from POC circles. I'm sorry to ruin your mini-imperialist crusade but you can't be involved with everything.

And I don't even know what was meant by the "separate but equal" considering I don't think it was US that came up with that shit in the first place. The only thing I can fathom is the fact that there has to be a need for a separate black/minority anything because Blancura hates inclusion. And anything deemed separate but equal is usually anything but (the UniverSOUL circus ain't really that great I have to admit, maybe it's gotten better). If that's the case then I most whole heartedly agree.



_{Note¹: Blancura, Spanish, lit: "whiteness". This isn't actually a derogatory term at all far as I know, it just means...whiteness, an adjective. I'm using it (incorrectly) as noun. It's more of a joke on poor white folks becoming a minority in year 20__ and Mexicans over taking their numbers. Blancura seems to forget that the world is made to cater to them anyway and I can think of more countries with a non-white majority than you can shake two hands at.}

Give him a few birthday slaps

Today is Danzy's b-day. I wouldn't have remembered if I hadn't busted $25 on his ass. He wouldn't have either. How old is he? UGGHHH HE'S ANCIENT OMG.

This would be a great day to play our new theme song:

Help is out of the question

And now, some self loathing.

I kind of have to do this. I've tried a couple of times but it ends up turning into a hate fest--then I realized, shit, it IS a hate fest.

You see, it's been a suck time to be Xands lately. I mean, it usually isn't a fun time to be me anyway but lately it's been pretty awful. I just want to be left alone to myself and have everything just quit. I'd quit life if I could right about now but I don't like to be rash.

I suppose because I'm negro australis, and because I'm a girl, I'm expected to just enjoy petting. Unfortunately I've had to blow up at a few people now over something so simple as touching my hair. I know it's all green and fuzzy but seriously. I don't get why people won't quit touching me. It is extremely dumb. I feel like I don't understand the workings of the universe anymore. This is all making me pretty upset.

Because I don't have much time to feel sorry for myself I've also been massively depressed. That's why I haven't had a lot to say lately in case you're wondering. I can't really do much without quickly descending into a pit of anger & sorrow. Again it feels like pretty much no one cares, and I certainly don't. I don't have any time or reason to care because, well, no one else does. I should really get over myself and pull myself up by my bootstraps because considering what's going on in the world it's not that tragic being me anyway, I guess. I guess.

I'll be done with all this at some point one way or another, but a few days ago my dad dropped a bit of a bombshell on me. He's going to seek help. He's finally getting himself together, and I'm pretty sure he's for real this time because he was talking about basically institutionalizing himself for 3 months.

I thought, "holy shit." as he'd tried the rehab thing before and that clearly didn't work. But this? Damn. He's also planning on leaving the state completely because it seems like all his trouble comes from the company he keeps in TN, and that company fucking follows him like flies on a carcass. Hopefully it won't follow him to Kentucky, which is where he's planning on going. I'm planning on leaving TN myself after school because it really just sucks here. But it sucks everywhere in varying degrees.

In any case, after I heard this somber news I just though, "WELL! here's the strongest, proudest, I-can-take-care-of-myself He-Man I've ever seen, breaking down and admitting he needs assistance!" I think I've mentioned it a few times but I'm pretty sure dad has a mood disorder--I say bipolar disorder, but he was diagnosed schizophrenic a while ago too. BUT he was also never treated for it, except by drugs & alcohol and those don't mix.

Before I could gloat, I realized pretty much how tragic this shit's gotten. Okay my DAD just up and said he needs help but damn if I can bring myself to do the same thing, and I'm pretty sure I do. It led me to the well-worn topic of why black folks (and other people of color) just tend to avoid any constructive therapy like the goddamn plague. There's many of those reasons. My personal ones are pretty common, such as:

1) It's simply not available to me right now for a few reasons. For one thing, mama's insurance kinda sucks and I'm on it, and neither of us really have money for me to go discuss my feelings. That's it.

I tried some free counseling when I was younger & mixing Excedrin with Tylenol for the hell of it (it makes you sick) but it was the worst. I was basically talking to some old white dude I didn't even know, with my mom, and trying to explain why I am the way I am, and since then it's just fallen on deaf ears I guess. Because again, no one cares. He then suggested I see a child therapist, which was so out our league it wasn't funny.

2) It's a sign of weakness. Yes that's silly. Yes mental illness is seen as a "white thing" and yes this probably the one area where blacks are expected to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. I don't feel like my issues are particularly a sign of weakness but I do feel the need to make myself get over them as soon as possible because they shouldn't be happening to me (obviously they do). There's this weird meme that black folks don't commit suicide because we tend to have stronger community ties. For me this isn't true, I don't have a fucking community, ironically mostly because of my race. I'd rather be solitary anyway.

3) No one cares. Seriously. I'm pretty apathetic about the whole thing because I've been thinking about it without "help" for so long. I mean, I guess someone would if I told them, but how many times do I have to tell anyone anything before they start listening to me? It's like I don't even exist 80% of the time.

I feel small all the time, I kind of hate myself. Kind of a lot actually, a lot of the time. I'm not the prettiest, not the slimest, I don't have good hair, people don't respect me, I don't feel like respecting myself.

I wasn't expecting to draw any inspiration from my dad's decision, although I really am happy that he seems to have a life plan now after having such a string of bad luck. I just thought, "well I no longer have an excuse for anything do I?" No, no I really don't.

Happy 4th of July all

Hope you're firing up the grill & cooking with abandon. I'd celebrate myself but I don't exist in America, I barely exist in my own community(ies). I'm just waiting for CNN's Black In America to validate how much it sucks to be me again!

/end post

Also, a Cheb Mami update

Well, he was brought to trial Thursday. Well, making my job easier today, a French court has jailed the Prince of Rai:

Rai star jailed for abortion bid

A French court has jailed the Algerian singer Cheb Mami for five years for abducting a former partner and forcing her to undergo an attempted abortion.

Cheb Mami, whose real name is Mohammed Khalifati, was found guilty at a trial in Bobigny, a Parisian suburb.

He had denied the charges, telling the court that he had been "manipulated" by his entourage.

The singer is credited with bringing Algeria's popular Rai folk music to an international audience.

The maximum sentence was 10 years and the prosecution had asked for seven.

Prosecutors had said that Cheb Mami was one of a group who abducted and beat the woman, a French photographer, in the Algerian capital, Algiers, in 2005.

Well that was pretty short & sweet. I'm disappointed with the sentence I must say but I'm not really familiar with the laws at work here (that is, for the country) but my personal feelings say five, seven, even ten years is pretty garbage. Also we finally get to hear why the singer would try to force a goddamn abortion, and it's everything we expect:

The star showed no emotion as the verdict was read out.

But during the trial he had expressed remorse and asked for the woman's forgiveness.

He broke down in tears and admitted making a "serious mistake" but said he did not love the woman and felt "trapped" when she told him she was pregnant.

Cheb Mami blamed his former manager Michel Lecorre - also known as Michel Levy - saying he was behind the plot.

"I was in a panic and I agreed," he said. "I did nothing to stop him."

Michel Lecorre was sentenced to four years for plotting and organising the assault.

Yep, you found out she was pregnant and freaked out--as it happens, so did your manager! I don't feel like there's a lot that needs to be said about how fucked up that is. I mean, I already did kinda, and I hate repeating myself so yeah, if you thought a baby was going to fuck up your lifestyle you should have thought about that shit. You DO NOT get to force your ex to have a fucking risky abortion.

In any case, I am a little disappointed that we didn't get to hear more from the woman in question but I understand, I think I'm most pissed at the sentencing thought. Five & four years is garbage. I'm really not that law-minded so for me trying to assign jail years is like playing Go Fish--five is paltry thought. I felt the same way about the whole Chris Brown spectacle. I feel like ten-fifteen would have been sufficient but again I don't know how this French court works.

I'm also bemused/amused at Cheb's reasoning for his actions. At first it wasn't his fault & he was being crucified because he's a successful Arab star--and you know what, in some cases I think I could hang with that defense. That didn't really work here since I'm pretty sure someone wanted to punish you for being a successful Arab they could have done worse than sentence you for 10 years for this...bizarreness.

And then, it was his manager. And I guess there was sufficient evidence to say that it WAS his manager's plot. But then as Mami acknowledges, he was so freaked out that this was a pretty good idea and he went along with it. So yeah, trying to pass it off on your manager isn't working either.

Pretty much everything surrounding this is shameful really. It's a great thing that the woman is okay and presumably the child is healthy--I wonder though if she'll ever tell him the horrifying circumstances surrounding his birth & his real father...fucking sad.

Cynthia McKinney update

Some updates on Cynthia McKinney and the other 18 (in the article two were released it seems) human rights workers detained in Israel. Got this from Raven's Eye.

Cynthia McKinney: I’m in jail in Israel

Former Georgia congresswoman Cynthia McKinney revealed in a phone call posted online that she is in an Israeli prison with others who attempted to run a blockade to deliver supplies to Gaza.

McKinney and about 18 other activists in Israeli custody for the past three days will likely be released by Sunday, according to the Israeli embassy in Washington, D.C.

Spokesman Jonathan Peled said preparations are being made to deport the activists. “It is taking slightly longer. Former congresswoman McKinney is not cooperating with the authorities” and refusing to sign a document acknowledging deportation, he said.

“It’ll take a couple more days before she is put on a plane and flown out of Israel,” Peled said.

A blog entry Thursday on a MySpace page for McKinney said the passengers refused to admit in writing to violating the blockade and trespassing Israeli territorial waters.

The Greek-registered Arion with 21 passengers aboard was in the Mediterranean Sea about 23 miles off the Gaza coast when it was intercepted Tuesday. Israel has blockaded entry to Gaza, which is governed by the organization Hamas, for two years.

The Free Gaza Movement, which organized the voyage, contends the ship was carrying humanitarian aid.

The organization, which has made more than a half dozen sailings to deliver aid to Gaza since August 2008, had renamed the ship Spirit of Humanity and refers to it by that name.

The Israelis rerouted the ship to the port of Ashdod after the seizure. Two of the passengers who signed the waivers have been released from custody and deported, Peled said.

New York journalist Don DeBar said McKinney called him early Thursday. DeBar covered McKinney’s campaign last year as the Green Party presidential candidate and they stayed in touch.

“She sounded okay,” DeBar said.

Well for personal comment, I'm glad everyone's okay it seems, at least, and they'll be returned sooner than I thought, they're definitely working fast.

Quit TOUCHING ME goddamnit.

Vent level: medium-high

There's something I'm going to need my parents especially & everyone I know to understand.

That is, you don't own my body. You just don't. If I politely tell you please do not tickle me or hug me, it's my only expectation that you not do these things. If you don't respect this the first time my next option is to tell you to back the fuck off. If for some reason you still don't respect this the third time, I've seriously harmed people for touching my person.

I don't know what's so hard to get. Look, I don't like being tickled. It's not fun for me. It hurts & it upsets me. I do not like sudden movement. Trying to sneak up on me is a good way to get checked in the chest, abdomen, or face. I can't control this I just do it out of self defense. I've explained before that I was touched inappropriately as a child & abused by family members, so having this bullshit continue as an adult really, really, REALLY fucking upsets & scares me.

You actually don't even have the right to an answer as to WHY you can't do these things without my consent. Just trust that when I say I don't want a hug or a kiss right now that I'm not kidding you, I really don't.

I literally feel exhausted having to explain this shit. I get the feeling that if I just started yelling, "I. WAS. SEXUALLY. ABUSED!!!!" more often people would back off me. I just so happen to feel that I shouldn't have to do that. You should just try respecting my personal space without getting upset.

For some reason, this infuriates my mother & father. I usually start out politely & respectfully asking them not to run up and grab my goddamn hair without my consent. They understand that I'm pretty ticklish everywhere but still try to test me. This makes ME mad but do I get a say? No, never. I've literally had to physically push them off me. Why? What the fuck? What don't you get about "I REALLY DON'T WANT THAT RIGHT NOW OKAY?"

It's pretty dumb that I have to express my outrage about this so often. It's a pretty simple ass concept. I get annoyed when I see adults doing it to kids or adults doing it to other adults. I have no idea what it is in us that makes us think, "Wow that person has great hair/nice skin, I just wanna caress it totally with out his/her permission!"

When I tutored every now and then you'd get adults pinching cheeks, slapping arms or backs. As having my personal space so repeatedly violated that just makes me twitch. That sort of thinking that you can touch another person that way despite how unseeming or innocuous your intentions are pisses me off--you're implying that kid can't think for hir self or is somehow lesser than. I find that this makes me especially mad when it's a parent. That kid isn't your property, it's a damn child.

I'm not your property, I'm a damn person. A grown ass human being at that. Make some fucking noise when you walk behind me & if I don't give you a fucking engraved invitation to touch me, I'd rather you not. YOU would rather not.