And then I realized, they're going to make me pay forever.

"He would come back some day; they couldn't make him pay forever." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, Babylon Revisited (here)

A literary quote! Time to put the "writer" back in my name! 

Well, well, well blog people. Here we are. I announced over my Tumblr that I was taking a break from my two favorite social networking media enablers but let's face it, they're not the ones who will care are they? It's my loving blog audience isn't it. You know, the ones I neglect with mediocre entries every few weeks/months. The ones that take my angst and most of my sorrow. Truly, truly.

I missed talking to myself. Sooo, you know, let me talk about my family for a minute. I fear I give an exaggerated view of my family dynamics sometimes--as far as extended family goes anyway. I mean, it's true, I dislike most of them. It's not an active thing though. I don't run over & set fire to the bushes right outside their houses and steal their ducks. It's only when they fail to understand that I don't like them that it gets... dark. When they make me do things.

You know, truth be told I've never felt very welcome around most of my family anyway. I've alternately been told I'm too full of myself or too sensitive & shy. My parents blame it on lack of socialization with them, like I'm some teacup terrier that will snap out & bite at anyone I don't recognize, and maybe it's true. I'm sure it'd help if I hadn't suffered abuse at the hands of family members, I'm weird like that. But again, it's not active.

Well anyway, I bring this up because my dad told me to call my brother--on my mom's side--and be sure to wish him a belated happy father's day. Specifically, he told me not to let him down in this regard. I told him (or really, warned him) that if he eschewed expectations he'd never be let down. The veracity of this can be up for debate another time, but the gist was I pretty much lied and in a few coded words TOLD HIM I LIED.

Me & my mom's son have an...interesting relationship. He's 18 years older than me give or take a month. Has his own family. Seems to square me & my mom away like we don't exist. Mom tried her best to build up a relationship between us... for us, but really I never felt connected to him. At all. And then I just stopped trying to break my own neck to relate to someone who doesn't relate to me. I remember when I was in my deep cutting period when he actually offered to talk to me. That was decidedly unexpected and, in hind sight, kind of hilarious since I don't know what he would have said to me. What would he have said to me that I would have actually wanted to hear? What was he going to do, hold my hand over the phone? I didn't even know his number. He never reached out to me either. Ha. Ha. Ha.

But then again, everyone thought they could "help" me back then. But regarding us, that was the end of that. I don't understand this forced sibling relationship. He & I exist as our own people. We didn't do any creepy imprinting at birth; he held me as a baby and teased me as a child, his tough brotherly love was actually distant and kind of unwelcoming. And of course people wonder why I'm like... THIS today! Stupid.

Why does this happen. It'd be so simple if we would all just stop lying to ourselves and leave each other alone! But they have to force it. Have to force some bond that isn't even there! And somehow it becomes my fault for being a hostile, moody son of a bitch that has a problem and is probably going to join some cult when I get older (this has been said to me before no shit). Friends, family--all take up the same amount of mass & volume, I can let go of friends, I can let go of family because despite of my fondness for hyperbole, in the end I'd just prefer the truth!

Goddamnit! I looked at my cell phone a little bit, flipped it open & touched the well-worn smooth keyboard pad with it's miniature numbers and letters. And realized I STILL don't know his number! I don't know any of their numbers... get their children mixed up, forget details of their lives, don't hide my contempt and allegedly they love me anyway. I've been told I should feel touched but I feel kind of despairing, actually. And then I realized... is that it then? They're going to make me pay forever, just for that!