Taste the scorn, hate the rainbow

I had a dream a few weeks ago that I still vaguely remember--it involved me having to explain to someone (a professor I think, most likely) about how my ~moodiness~ often affects my ability to get things done (read: bring it to a complete standstill) and I was accused of using it as an excuse (in not so nice terms).

It made me think of how people don't trust what isn't visible (trolol says the atheist). I made a joke even longer ago to the second lesbian friend I have in real life (I know three but I think I hate the other) about her & her girlfriend being harassed for being lesbians and by the sounds of it they weren't doing anything...lesbiany. I was confused, I joked, were they "visibly gay"?

See, I only got that kind of harassment in middle school. Ever since then, no one really believes me about my (own damn) sexual ID, and despite the fact that I kind of hate rainbow paraphernalia I'm thinking will that help? Will it just bring more unwanted attention? Am I a coward? Should I join the X-Men?

No one believes me, really, about a number of things because I'm assuming they're too fantastic--no one believes I suffer horrible bouts of depression, no one believes I grew up in a not-so-great neighborhood. The only thing I can count on is that people (I assume) take it for granted that I'm black & female presenting.

The past few weeks have seen me locked up like an empty clam shell. I told my room mate I often adopt funny voices because it allows me to say serious things & no one will take them seriously--essentially it's venting in public because I can do that now. I wish I could be more visible but I don't know how. I only taste the scorn, and I fucking hate the rainbow.

/xands' woes