September 12, 2009

Random story because I miss mommy, I'm sick, and it's mas relevant

Hmm, truthfully I have no idea why I'm about to tell this random story, other than I had a sort of fever dream about it last night & I need another reason to complain about being sick.

Well, when I was but a wee one I remember seeing this ad constantly playing on BET. It featured some men talking to each other & being casual and a couple of women being, well, playfully intimate with each other. It was a low key commercial and because it wasn't blaring in my face I had no idea what the fuck was going on here.

So one day my mom caught it with me and I demanded she explained. She said the commercials was talking about HIV testing and AIDS in the black gay & lesbian community. Now that I could understand, but I was perplexed because, and I remember this exactly, "I didn't know we could be gay!"

Mom looks down and says, surprised, "Yeah...we're more likely as anyone else if not more."

I think she was joking on that last line but I inexplicably felt stupid. I saw the commercial a few more times over the course of a year I think and then no more, but I hadn't really thought about it until many years later.

But afterwards...I remember while I was staying in my abusive uncle's home my aunt tried to give me a kiddie version of "the talk". She explained my period then asked me if I had been looking at girls.

Well I was still in elementary school at this point so, uh, yeah I looked at girls. Then she got grim and asked if I ever looked at their body parts. In my mind I imagined a walking Barbie doll with no head and no arms and I suddenly knew what she meant.

In truth, my poor gay self had, but even then I knew that for the sake of appearances I should adamantly DENY this and so I did, sputtering like I'd just been accused of a crime...that I committed anyway.

Every now and then I peel back layers and realize how awful--even ideally awful--my childhood was and how it COULD have created a really fucked up individual, but somehow I was smart enough to get away.

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