November 16, 2008


I wonder how many people who know me realize, I'm really not kidding when I talk about "abandonment issues". I'm actually pretty serious.

I told you all about my uncle and what I had to live under with him for a couple of years. Happily I finally said fuck this and got to stay at home and take care of my self in the events that my dad was either too strung out or working somewhere to take care of me.

Well, that helped me to develop my survival skills and that was pretty good. What happened was, unfortunately, I didn't much like being left alone.

I didn't have many friends growing up. Either they'd move away or just stop talking to me or I'd eventually stop talking to them. This still continues to this day. I simply don't like and/or trust people very much or very often.

My mother would often go out clubbing or whatever it was she did on the weekend when she wasn't at work, and leave me with dad. Dad would occasionally also leave me. The insult is when both these people realize their mistakes and try to make up for them years later, and I can only roll my eyes because I've already decided that I won't look past my own damage...I don't hate my parents by the way, just disappointed.

I'm a little paranoid too, I think. I give way too much time to people I otherwise don't care about: Does s/he like me? Will s/he leave me? Why do I drive people away? Yes, it seems I can't keep anyone in my life, even strangers...

This is why I go out of my mind when my room mate just ups and vanishes to be with her family. Not jealousy that she can do this, puzzlement: why does she bother sharing a room with me when all she does is leave? Is she only pretending to get alone with me while she's here? Why does she think I don't understand her, she won't give me a chance. I don't even know her at all and we've lived together for a couple of months now.

It's the same when people I like just start not-talking to me. I don't quite understand why I repel people. I've tried not being myself and being more reserved but nothing I do seems to help and in the end I've left at square one and I don't think I'll ever understand...I don't think I'll ever like being alone either, much as I value my privacy.

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