June 23, 2008

Gender and Sexuality

I hate being female.

Yeah, I'm a girl btw :P

I hate being female.

I often disguise myself as a male online...well, not really disguise. A lot of people just kinda assume I'm a guy and I just don't bother to correct them. Eh. Why do I do this?

I hate being female. I've had issues with my gender as far back as I can remember. I don't like the preconceived notions of the female race (weaker sex, inferior, etc). I don't like "feminine issues". I don't like having to be classified as either a bitch or a doormat no matter what I do. I don't like the fact that supposedly I will "need" a man in my life. I don't like any of that, and yet, you may wonder...do I want to be male?

No. I never want to be male :/ it's not like it's any better for men, they just don't have the same issues. But they have their own set of, let's say "foolishness" to deal with.

So, what do I want to be? I clearly don't want to be either of these. Is their some third gender? No, that's no good, because no matter what I'll always be biologically female...and I don't actually have a problem with being biologically a girl. That's not what I want to change. It's more...mental. Do I mentally want to be a man? In a way, yes, in a way no too.

If I could, I wish I could FULLY be somewhere in between. That is to say, I don't want to be a biological girl and male on the outside like a butch or something. Perhaps something like a spiritual hermaphrodite? And I think this can be achieved...somehow. In a way. Sigh.

All this to demonstrate how totally confused I am. I guess the frustration comes when, at times, if only to myself I actually have to LABEL who I am and what I am, and I just can't...and, I guess, that actually kinda scares me. That I'm a hodgepodge, a mashup. That I can't define myself with one thing.

Now, you could say, "It's good that you can't define yourself, it's hip and or/edgy! It means you're an individual!" And yeah, it's all those things I guess, but to me it just means that I have no idea who or what I am, and that fact is distressing.

And I'll have until I die to find out, but...how much time is that really?

Switching gears from that potential mental breakdown, it's kind of the same thing with my sexuality. That's something I don't really talk about because I don't want to stick my foot in my mouth because I think your sexual preference(s) are an important part of who you are. It's not THE most important part or anything, but I guess it's...who you can fall in love with or at the very least sleep with is...some kind of importance, as much as I've denied it or said "it doesn't matter!11!!" Yeah, it kinda does...

It irritates me, again, that I can't even figure myself out sexually. On one hand, I'm more attracted to women that I am to men. On the other hand, part of me is rather misogynist. On the mythical third hand, I don't like either sex because I'm annoyed by people in general. And if you have room for it, on the fourth hand, I think I'm just cynical and distrustful and won't give myself a chance to be attracted to anyone.

So what, am I asexual? Apathetic? Scared? I don't know. I think I'm leaning more towards "scared of any and all human contact" :P too much to actual find out my sexuality...again, I've got until I die to find out...

Sigh. I think it's interesting and a bit pathetic how I can psycho-analyze outsiders until the cows come home (literally) but when it comes to getting introspective, I'm just too scared to get in there and really look. I really am afraid of what's in there.


  1. i am going through a similar situation trying to figure out my identity. i am currently reading a book called Pomosexual by Kate Bornstein which talks about people who do not neatly fit into the labels of gay/straight, male/female, etc id recommend you check it out.

  2. QU, thanks for the heads up on that book. I'll see if I can get hold of it...I get the feeling I should go to the "research" phase of figuring myself out instead of agonizing over it so much and not getting anywhere.


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