March 23, 2010

I nearly lost you, there.

Warning: I'm going to talk about the wubbly-bubbly relationship I have with my parents. Unfortunately for you that isn't sarcasm.

Ready? And...

So it happened that my dad got a cell phone and he seemed pretty excited about it. One of his first calls to me was that his dialysis would be starting soon.

We knew it was coming (he'd had the shunt in his arm for a long time). I knew it was coming.

But I was still PISSED.

I couldn't figure out exactly what I was pissed off about so I just grinned at it and assured him as he assured me that he'd be alright. But I was still pissed off about it. My rage escalated when I found out (or rather, realized) that he was in pain. I can hardly talk to him because of how tired & agonized he sounds.

For once I didn't really have anything to lash my anger out on so I didn't know what to do in this case. You see, my dad & I haven't always gotten along (understatement of the year) but I don't think I ever figured out how to hate him and keep on hating him. All I could think about was how summer wouldn't be the same anymore and I felt sick to the point of throwing up.

It's nothing fatal but, I'd lost my dad. Can that be true? Again. Ironically to the same alcoholism and drug abuse he had fallen into before.

I felt much of the same way when my mother was diagnosed with Type II diabetes. In my head I blame both of them constantly despite how illogical I knew I was being, even with myself. I couldn't get over it. I'm an adult sure enough but at times I might as well still be a suckling babe. The whole point of my going away to college was to prove that exact opposite point but most of the time I'd simply rather be home. I feel like somehow my going away caused it, because I wasn't there to monitor their every step or something ridiculous like that.

I'd lost both of my parents for a minute there, and if that was only temporary I can't even fathom what happens when it comes about for real.

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