October 12, 2009

And so it continues...

It looks like this week I'll have to settle for feeling depressed.

Warning: Introspection because I can do it.

I would hardly consider myself "fragile" in many ways but I get the feeling my emotions are. I'm a sensitive person. I ache and I feel it acutely, but more often than not I'm forced to suppress feelings. This is probably why depending on the person I'm either awesome or extremely aloof and difficult to get a long with. I just don't...

Anyway. You know what happens when you keep your feelings in for too long, they eventually pop up like a jack in the box and it can be frightening and draining. Mostly frightening because you can't really stuff the scary, amusing clown back in...it's gone and it's damage is done, and you wind up your box and it's a whole new toy waiting to spring out...and draining because you want to keep it in...

I think I need to talk about what happened to me last week because it was scary. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter (especially Twitter, goddamn) you may be privy to my seemingly endless complaints about college life. I kind of hate it and it hates me back I think. Like around this same time last year, I have a room mate I'd rather strangle (I'm sorry but it's just true), I have one or two classes I'm not very pleased with, I'm kinda broke, and I don't exactly have a support base.

My one class, philosophy as conversation, I've talked about before. Take every white folks, misogynist, homophobic, I'm not interested in changing the status quo because fuck it I AM the dominant culture, clueless American-trope you've ever dealt with, seen, imagined, or even heard about vaguely and amplify it a couple of notches, add in a despondent teacher, a pretty good and informative text that no one reads, and token colored person. That's how it is.





After sitting and listening to shit I can't even tell you about for a few weeks now, I rather exploded on Mr Pseudo-libertarian and Miss Why do I have to learn a second language I is American. I didn't really care since I don't like this people, but that Friday it started. We continued our "talk" about multiculturalism and, tired of being condescended to, I took an unexpected mental break. I didn't mean to. I zoned out and started drawing spirals, big, sprawling spirals, on an old test. When asked a question I was barely aware enough to respond before random white dude jumped in and cut me off, and I was soon forgotten. Oh well. I knew this feeling anyway. I knew I was either going to cry or be horribly pissed, so I settled on being horribly pissed because it was faster.

Pieces of my isolation trailed in my wake. I didn't talk. My face hurt. I was trying to understand why I was so upset and why I felt so dead. Why do I have to hate everything and why does nothing live up to my expectations, ever? Do I just fail at life?

I attempted to destroy my liver some more, then I went to see Peter Cook, a deaf story teller--which I'll tell you about soon--and my mood was lifted but the misery still trailed after me, messing with my sleep and my focus. My seething hatred for my room mate didn't/doesn't help but I think she's gone now and that's alright with me. Or is it.

Why do people keep leaving me?

I started walking around the library today...I was lost. Sort of. Not really paying attention but not wanting to be anywhere in particular, and that's usually where I end up. I found Black Like Us again and started reading it, but then I felt sick. An anthology of black gay, lesbian, and bisexual literature (with trans author Red Jordan Arobateau...I think he's the only transgender author in the book?), why the hell was I going over this again? It was sordid. I started asking, who? Who?

It's about the same thing that happened a few weeks ago. I could see it. I'm a silly cartoon progressive with silly thoughts & goals, I can see it. This isn't supposed to be my year where I have an identity meltdown, then it occurs to me maybe I'm not so well from Friday as I thought. So many aspects of myself below me like the dying fall leaves. Abandonment. Identity crises. Didn't this happen last year too? It's funny.

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