July 8, 2009

Random ass story for your life: There's nothing "in" vaginas

I'll tell you this story then let you guess why I'd like to have more comprehensive sex ed. Everywhere.

Actually it's 3 in one. Also, yes I'm fucking paraphrasing, deal.

It started many years ago when I was a young child and standing on an old wooden chair. I'd already been told not to stand on this chair but I did it anyway because that's what a young Xands does: exactly the opposite.

Anyway, I was on this chair, I have no idea why (probably just because) and I was standing in the seat so I decide to put my foot on the back of the chair. Well one thing led to another and I obviously end up falling to my doom. You see, I'd hit my crotch on the back of the chair. It hurt. A lot.

Now I'd kicked boys in the crotch before (again, just to do it) and seen how they doubled over in pain and turned into sopranos, but this shit right here? This shit right here? Ow. OW. HURT. I was clutching my private bits and wheezing like a vacuum had just sucked the oxygen out the room.

My dad, in the bathroom, obviously heard the thump and called, "WHAT YOU DOIN?"

Me, weakly: "...nothing~"

I was okay. I limped for a bit but I got over it. It was then that I knew, wow, there must be SOMETHING in there that makes it hurt as much for girls as it did for boys. Either that or I really did have a penis.

Fast forward, mm, bout 10 more years. I'm in a class room and some girl jokingly kicks me in the crotch (don't even ask, I don't remember) and I go down again. Everyone is confused--I'm a girl right? (questionable) Why would I go down from a kick to the crotch?

"It hurts for girls too," I said as I expired. "Probably worse."

"That's impossible," one boy says. "There's nothing in your...y'know...to hurt!"

Fast forward another few years to me in high school proper, in my health & wellness class. We're "learning" about teh sex. I recount both these stories to a couple of male friends, whimsically, and get the same response.

"But there's nothing in vaginas is there?"

And I say the closest equivalent of, "..."

What's in vaginas you ask? Well I'm pretty sure there's the vulva, some labia majora, a clit, and maybe your hymen, as well as some other stuff. I'm pretty sure when/if you get to perform cunnilingus (or if you own said vagina, if you just touch yourself every so often) those parts get all wet & tingly and they feel nice, because they're sensitive yes? Well if you VIOLENTLY STRIKE THOSE PARTS (depending on who you are & if you're into that, I don't judge) that shit hurts, because they're SENSITIVE. Works just like a penis & balls, maybe even worse so because girls don't have a penis & balls.

Unfortunately it seems a lot of girls are under this same impression that there's "nothing" in the vaginas (I guess it's just a hole?) to be injured so it's not like we have the "cup the fambly jewels" reflexes or anything. We don't know what's in our own damn YAAHEEEEEE'ses.

But yeah, there's nothing in vaginas. It's just a hole for you to stick some phallic object in. And you wonder why shit happens.

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