May 30, 2009

That feeling

I HATE that feeling. That stupid feeling you get that makes everyone climb out the woodwork and demand that you "go seek help" whether or not "help" is actually available to you.

I went to get help once, when I actually cared. I was dismissed and told to go to someone else way out of my budget if you get my drift.

What am I talking about? You know what I'm talking about. I'm not going to say it or spell it out because I hate it. If there's one thing you may have learned about me by now, I hate "dealing". I can usually only do it if I'm kicking and screaming. I can do it but not so well it seems. It seems there's a never-ending list of shit about myself I have to "deal" with and every so often it just tolls.

I avoid talking about my personal fee-fees as often as I can because they usually don't matter, or at least I don't think they do. They don't filter in that much into my posts because I'm pretty good at detaching in a somewhat positive way. So I can be fine. The only time it comes in is when I feel like this and I physically can't DO ANYTHING.

It's a little like silence, when you whisper it's name it goes away? So I shout it and I'm alright, at least until next time. The next month, the next couple of months, who knows.

I'll tell you I've been inexplicably tired lately. I charged it to my unusual sleeping schedule and didn't bother to question why my sleep was suddenly out of whack and just ignored the fact that suddenly I felt afraid to go to sleep. I just never seem to get enough sleep, and I've been sleeping 3, 4 times a day for several hours.

I feel listless & restless & bored all at the same time but I can't do anything because I'm too tired. Weak & hungry because my diet's had to change a bit. Remembering shit that happened years ago for no reason (silly domino memory), laying about in the living room and picking up spare pieces of glass. Way too much energy considering how tired I feel. Wondering what the fuck it means.

And no, I don't particularly feel like telling anyone because I've SEEN what happens when I do, and it's not pleasant. I'm only blogging about it because I'm a little fed up, and it's more of a heads up in case I just mysteriously drop off blogging for an extended period. I've been taking breaks to get my thoughts in order and that's okay, but my thoughts never "get in order". They're jumbled. I can't commit to anything.

I've been feeling stranger still, like metaphorically throwing out everything in ye olde closet and starting fresh again. I know that feeling too and it's led to the destruction of many things I loved--or USED to love anyway. It makes me anxious to get away from the same people or just generally avoid the cause of my anxiety at any cost necessary. You lose a lot of friends that way when you suddenly don't want to be 10 feet near them but can't really explain why, because there IS no why. There just is. It's just you and some weird sense of dread. You don't really want to get away from them either, you want to get away from "it".

If you've gone on this long you're probably still wondering what I'm going on about. Well I'll just keep you guessing because that makes it interesting for the viewing audience at home and for myself, if we don't reveal the winner right away.

I had a dream that I just randomly took the city bus far away, somewhere it didn't go, and I went grocery shopping. I didn't particularly feel like going back but someone I don't like *coughacelebrity* *coughifyoufollowmeontwitteryouknowwhoitis* *coughhatehim* convinced me to go back home. Too bad by then the bus wasn't running and I was kind of lost anyway. That's when I woke up. I do believe I am a bit lost right now, in myself, and I'll be working on finding a way back out again. Just thought you should know.

All typos thanks to Google Chrome. You know, it's the shit, but I can't act like I can spell really good anymore now.

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