February 12, 2009

What's so wrong with forgiveness?

The other side of the coin...or perhaps a different section of the same side...yeah I don't have a song for this post. I looked for about 15 minutes. I have no forgiveness songs...if I pull any random song lyrics it's from "Laid So Low" by Tears for Fears.

It's actually kind of telling that I looked for a song to fit with this post on "forgiveness" and didn't find one. For one thing my music collection is mostly rage/angsty rock and...some more.

The other thing is, well, I talk about anger and awful lot. I talk about anger, cynicism, being a skeptic, and just generally hating everything and everyone. And to be fair I'm a vindictive bastard. I like baiting folks into saying shit to me just so I can cuss them out sometimes. Yes, anger is good, but you know what's also nice? Forgiving.

Chewed the bone down too low...got fed on tea & sympathy

With all my rage you may guess that I'm not a very forgiving person. Not at ALL. I seem damn near incapable of the act. I can only be less mad at someone than I was before, but my policy has been, all my life, fuck up once and we're done. I can tell you people I've been pissed at since elementary school. I can not forgive & forget. I can do NEITHER.

I have a very hard time with this. As I say, I'm honestly pretty calm & chill. I consider myself pretty compassionate if a little aloof sometimes. I can't deny that I'm a bit of a fucked up individual, not to be all kewl and trendy but it's just the truth. Some shit happened in my life and it's clearly affected the person I am today. I'm rather assuming this is why I have a hard time with that whole "forgiveness" thing, even though I wish I didn't because it can take a toll on you, holding all these grievances in your heart like a stuffed piggy bank.

I don't think the world hates me. The world doesn't care, it's rather non-sentient. But thanks to my funny childhood and just the general nature of people as I've come to understand it, I simply can't seem to forgive ANYTHING. No matter how many times you say you're sorry or how much either of us have moved on. I get pissed then I can't get unpissed.

I was humble for you...what a fool I've been to have laid so low, for so long, so long

Again about my forgiveness. I have more of an issue with my inability to forgive minor acts & myself for things, but that's more of a psychological thing, I think, for a different post. Now, big things I don't really care if I forgive you or not. Like my favorite issues of racism & sexism and all that, offend me on those and you can expect to be on my shitlist for...ever. I don't care how many times you apologize and for what. Know why? I don't believe you. For me, forgiveness is a lot like "sorry"--if you were sorry you wouldn't have done it. I got tricked a lot when I was kid where people would tell me they were sorry for pulling my hair or tripping me in the hallway or calling me fat, as they laughed behind their hands. I came not to believe them, because if they were "sorry", why do it?

For me forgiveness works the same way. If you want someone to forgive you, you should have thought about that act before you did it. Now you want to be forgiven, assuaged of any wrong doing. It doesn't work that way for me, I dunno about you. Like I said, I'm a rather vindictive biotch and my worldview is a bit skewed.

Made a mess I guess I...should have known, that life was lust & liberty

So. That's all just me by the way, I'm not trying to get into anyone else's head. I have a hard time with my own. I have trust issues and I simply don't believe people when they want to apologize, sincere as they want to be. Perhaps I've taken my mother's lessons too much to heart, or perhaps I'm so damn tired of being a doormat I literally just hate everyone. Or perhaps it's a lot of things. Who knows, I do not.

Why did I bother with a post on how insanely well I hold grudges? It just dawned on me last night how I talk so much about rage and spite but never about the flipside of being nice and compassionate. I put myself off as a nice if loopy individual but never show it. Now you know why. Also, I totally lied, I'm not nice at all, as Danz. Whom I don't hate by the way.

1 comment:

  1. Renalexandros -- that's pretty fuckin' renegade! I'm sure you're a kind-hearted, forgiving, extremely hospitable, and tolerant individual. Do you believe me? Don't front!


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