February 4, 2009

Onanism makes me light headed

Warning: TMI (too much information) alert is set for RED

Also, I am incredibly dizzy right now and I think it's one part dehydration and four more parts onanism. So if I make some extreme typos this is why...like, I'm literally falling off the edge of my bed here.

"Oh dear," you may say as you scramble back. But I grab your wrist, somewhat disjointedly, and before I sink to the ground completely I begin to give you this lecture.

First off, drink plenty of water during the day, it's good for you. Also, consider eating. Please don't take my example of strong preference to sleep over, you know, nourishment. Really.

Second, don't worry, I'm not going to talk about my habits. That would be awkward since we don't really know each other well enough. I wouldn't be able to look you in the eye at the next meeting or in the hallway. I just felt like doing a masturbation post.

I've always thought people should talk openly about masturbation. I mean I wish people were more open about sex in general, maybe we wouldn't have the issues we have now. I would address the age old double standard that women aren't as free to talk about anything pertaining to their bodies as men are, but I live in a rather conservative area *coughthesouthcoughcough* and neither men nor women are willing to come out about what we all know they do in the dark.

I still think back to the Female Orgasm seminar we had here and how reluctant the women were to talk about orgasms. In a room full of women, we still all sat there and squirmed and looked at our friends and were generally embarrassed. Even though I didn't speak up either and can't say much, I did think it was kinda sad. What I think is a rather empowering and sensual act is usually reduced to "eeeeeew!"

I remember when I was in about the 7th grade or so, I found a collection of Mark Twain's work. In it was the hilarious work Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism. I chuckled to myself first and foremost because I was probably the only one in that room that knew what "onanism" meant, and secondly because I was about 12 or 13, the last year where it's okay to giggle about sex. I was afraid to read it though--I was familiar with Mark Twain's work but something about it still stunned me a little. Was this a jokey, cynical work or was he actually serious? Did I want to know? This was before I'd actually discovered masturbation myself so I queasily put the work down...

Not too long later curiosity got the best of me and I read it anyway and naturally it was more of the former. And as I slowly head for the floor face first, I leave you with my favorite bit.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime
are easily detectable. They are these: a disposition to eat, to
drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke
and tell indelicate stories--and mainly, a yearning to paint
pictures. The results of the habit are: loss of memory, loss of
virility, loss of cheerfulness and loss of progeny.

Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the
least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an
occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no
money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most
cultured society it has long been banished from the social board.
It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been
degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred,
these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent
of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still
permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the
fundamental sigh.

My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of
the "social evil" are bad. I would teach you that some of these
forms are more to be avoided than others. So, in concluding, I
say, "If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone
hand too much." When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your
system, get your Vendome Column down some other way--don't jerk it

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Please share some knowledge. Or amuse me at least :O