February 16, 2009

I'm so over...stuff...right now

I can't quite shake that funny feeling, I've been up 'n down all day. Unfortunately all the downs came at exactly the wrong moments *nyugh* my life's story.

The fact is I feel like garbage. You know what's been happening since school started though? I've become quite the popular (wo)man on campus, strangely enough. I've been interacting in classes more often with actual PEOPLE, folks talking to me without me having to run 'em down, making new friends. Usually that wouldn't happen until the very last month of the last year *blink* because that's what happens with me...socializing does me no good.

Strangely though, at this point in my life I don't think I've ever felt more alienated. I feel a little like the "lone hero", cast out from society, except in my case I'm no "hero" and I'm not particularly interested in saving anyone (the world will scream, "Save us!" and I'll whisper, "No." -Buuhahahaha Watchmen). I thought...finally, I'd belonged somewhere and was safe in my identity, but it just isn't so. And I feel completely over "community" right now, and labels and whatever else I'd been so happy about a month or so ago.

You should be wondering "Whaaatheefuuuuuck" right now because sure, I've never--or don't think I've ever--talked about feeling particularly alienated before. And it'd be hard to point out what I was so happy about a month ago and try to figure out what I'm so disillusioned about. I'm being purposefully vague--it's the best way, I don't dare speak about certain incidents lest I might actually think about them and it's a little late. No one seems to understand that though, they think it's funny, it isn't.

In short, I've passed the anger phase and am now wallowing in sorrow, I'm sure that whole lack of sleep & water thing isn't helping AGAIN.

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