It hurts me deep.

We had a little group session and the discussion of discrimination came up. First we hit racism--and our co-leader Matt talked about how white people could and should take steps to stop racism.

It was so weirdly refreshing to hear that. I've never actually had anyone say something like that to me, for one, and then he actually sounded sincere. He didn't want to stop racism because his friends were black or whatever, he just thinks its "bullshit".

A bit of a silence dropped and I just assumed everyone else was taking it in. I hope. Uh anyway, it felt good to be able to talk about whites & racism and not having anyone get horribly indignant or overly reactionary. By that I mean, not having that one Overly Sensitive Dude who's "color blind" and insists that he's not racist (man whatever) or that Other Dude insisting it's not just white people being the racists (it's not, but sit the hell down anyway). Just another thing I get frustrated at, I guess :/ not being able to have a simple direct dialog about RAAACE.

But I wonder, sometimes--and I'm only talking about whites--how sincere people really are about ending racism. Perhaps I'm just paranoid as usual but the fact is you aren't going to change a bigot's mind so I wonder. Are there white people really committed to ending racism? Is everyone just trying to make themselves look so fresh & clean and "helpful"? I wonder these things and that's why I occasionally spout the racism that I do :P sigh...I just have to question everyone's motives you know, no one ever does anything for their own good anymore. They really don't.

We also went into heterosexism/gay bashing and homophobia, and I was shocked at all the positive responses. I was! Stereotypes are alive, well, and true where I am (especially where I am) so I'm like, "Shit southerners accepting gays!"

Then again, I wonder how many of them are so "accepting" and how many of them were putting on a front? How many of them really feel that women are "beautiful" no matter what, so they don't turn to eating disorders? Are they really just saying these things to look good in front of everyone else? I'll bet. But I wonder.

This post of mine from my LJ seems to have caused a minor bit of drama. I don't know why. I do know that for some reason whenever I try to get political it either goes unnoticed or it blows up in my face. I think I'll just actively avoid my LJ for a while, this morning was too damn much.

I'm also having some room mates so I'm doubly pissed. People make me angry in general as I get closer and closer to getting less antisocial. A bit ironically too. Was I better off just not trying to be friendly and shit like momma said?

Adding on to my anger the first reply I got made my eye twitch so bad I thought I had palsy. About the oppressed and the oppressor meeting halfway to end racism. That reeeally only works if the oppressor is meeting me half way.

And then this literally had me trembling a bit:

"It is my thought that racism cuts both ways. Both black people and white people need to work together, not carry their own burden. That's only going to start trouble."

I...see. Fine, fair point.

"I could care less about a person's color unless they want to make a big deal out of it."

But that's a bold ass lie. I probably shouldn't but I feel mildly insulted, that and it seems like you missed the point of where I was going. I wish that utopia existed where white black latino asian native brothers could work together and end the racism, end rape, end wars, but the fact that it doesn't happen and hasn't and probably won't kinda makes me wonder how viable that solution is now.

And again, I suppose as usual I'm making mountains out of molehills but you know, things only become big issues when they are big fucking issues. Please, tell me again I'm making shit where there is none.

Am I an alien? Do I just see things differently or what? Should I put my blinders back on or some shit? Perhaps entering the arena--the big leagues--where everything is all "Shhhhh! Or something bad happens" or whatever just isn't my cup of tea. I give up and I get angry easily and that's not good for even the most uncivil of conversation.

Last night/this morning I just flat out gave up because I thought I was either going to cry or stomp around like a little kid because I can never seem to get my way. Or rather, never seem to be able to get people to see my point of view. It's like everyone already has their pre-written rhetoric for such-and-such situation already and I...don't. This makes me depressed on occasion and even more often discouraged, also not good for conversation.

So what's the point in all this? I'm sure that's a good question. What is indeed the point of some broke, black college student who's bound to get arrested or killed in a couple of weeks/months trying to go against the grain of what she's been taught & what she's learned. Indeed, I should just lay down and take my fate shouldn't I? Life seems to be easier that way.