July 13, 2008

What am I?

I think this is something I've wanted to get out for a while :P but I've never figured out how.

So I'm gonna say some mildly offensive things (something I've never worried about) and then explain myself the best I can...because the best way to find out what I am not is to say what I am. And I think it's time I stopped lying or deluding or just flat-out not admitting things to myself, and just get them out in the open. This could take a while...

Fft, for one thing I am racist. Racist, racist, racist. I am a racist motherfucker. I wasn't always, but I was laying on the couch and just thinking of all the things that annoy me and for some reason, one thing that kept coming up was "white people". I have white friends and frankly, they get on my everlasting nerves because I understand them about as much as they understand me; the horrible part is how self-conscious I am about it, considering that I can count the number of black friends I have on one hand but I seem to attract far more of...Whitey. And it annoys the pure hell out of me. Whitey is increasingly growing on my damn nerves as a whole.

But wait, wait. I'm an equal opportunity racist. Sometimes I hate black people--MY OWN people--worse than I hate Whitey McWhite. The fact is both races do some of the same shit and don't even realize it, and I think it's stupid. Black people--especially the "typical urban youth of today" (you have to say that in that patronizing 50's dad accent)--get on what's left of my nerves after the WHITE MAN has trampled on them.

I'm even starting to develop a thing against Irish and Chinese. The only people I'm down with anymore are Mixed/Bi-racial.

...If you didn't catch on, I'm actually not racist at all :P some of my views do come off that way though, and that is really starting to bother me a bit.

I am an atheist. Furthermore, I'm one of those "man I do hate religion" atheists; not to say I'm not open-minded, but...well, I really do not like religion. I've never understood it, don't see the value in it other than the aspect of "community" and belonging. Religion confuses and puzzles me, and occasionally religious people just flat out anger me. In another year's time I may actually have to take back that "open-minded" part because unfortunately I feel myself getting more and more closed minded when it comes to understanding the mentality behind religion. I don't even want anyone to explain it to me anymore because frankly I'm a bit tired of trying to be understanding towards something I find silly; just like I'm sure many religious people are tired of trying to be open/understanding towards people they probably figure are going to hell. We call each other "silly" in private I think.

I don't like men. At all. This one's actually pretty easy to explain, because just about all the men in my life have let me down. Or maybe I know/have known too many assholes, but like the religion thing, I'm tired of trying to be open and understanding. Ergo, I shut myself off like a cocoon. I don't trust them and I think they're a bit on the retarded side. It's like getting burned too many times by a stove, eventually you just don't touch the damn stove.

On that coin, I don't like women much either. Again, because most of the women in my life haven't let me down as much as the men have, but I do feel a mixture of disappointment and sadness.

And those are my revelations of the day. Not even necessarily "revelations", but things I really, really need to get out if I ever hope for self-improvement and well being.

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