September 16, 2009

Are you passionate?

A post born of frustration & sickness. By me.

If it seems I'm just about perpetually depressed you might be right at this point. It's probably more appropriate to say I'm bummed out most of the time. That's not really the issue here though.

Warning: Depressed rambling because I can.

Lately I've been feeling pretty bummed out about this blogging thing. Burned out. Again. It's not hard. I usually have no problem just quitting something that irritates me, because I trust my instinct and if it's pissing me off once it's probably going to piss me off forever.

Let me ~expand~ for lately I've been truly questioning my purpose in life. Not even in the usual teenage-y angst way I think, but for reals. I think we all stop and say, what are we here for? What are we doing? This is normal because it shows you think at least (which is more than I can say for a lot of us). But do you follow up with, "does it matter if I do this or not?" Because if you do, what then?

For me, I have to say, "What am I doing here and will it matter? Do I care?" One can go a whole lifetime doing good and only a handful of people will remember. You can also go through your life being a damn stick in the mud. You can do a lot of things...if it soothes you and helps others, even if it harms...

But you're probably wondering why the hell I'm even going on this way and what this has to do with being burned on on blog-anating. Well it's this...

I plopped myself into this a year & some change ago and it made me happy. It made me excited. I was happy to learn & share my thought with others...until it set in that this, generally, was real life. It wasn't a collective groaning and moaning about petty issues but problems that spanned time & other such borders...which meant that if the good things were happening then so were the bad, and so were the very bad.

And despite all my attempts not to feel things on this plane of existence I do (surprise), a lot & often and it gets a little mind numbing and depressing. So apparently I just can't handle real life I guess. At least for me, being overwhelmed, that's pretty normal.

Then I question myself and question alliances. Everything I believe in. Pretty normal...until the very foundation of what you think crumbles and collapses and what are you left with besides dust? If that much.

It's...different this time, I'm not sure why. I took the collection of labels I'd haphazardly slapped on myself and realized they didn't fit so well and so I quit those, but as it turns out you can only take the labels away but you can't REMOVE what's you, even if you hate it. I feel hypocritical while promoting acceptance when I actually hate myself more than I can even tell you. All of it.

And then...well, why can't I just quit? In ways I have the luxury of quitting, because when I go back to the "real world" the enlightening concepts we speak of like privilege & hegemony and entitlement are rarely spoken by name (not that they don't exist of course) or even understood. I could just stop what ails me...but that's actually pretty childish and if I expect to be better and for things to GET better, if I quit now everything is...ruined and I can only go back to being afraid of my shadow. I have no confidence or ability to do this.

And then, do WHAT exactly? What have I been doing this whole time? If only for that it should be simple just to give up because I wasn't doing anything in the first place except learning, always learning...waiting to apply but rarely having the chance to do so, especially correctly...

So no one would miss it, if it all ended right now. You can run and stop midway, and still run back screaming to the "safety" of home, always. Always choice but also always bitter fighting and bickering either with others or within myself. But that's what I should expect shouldn't I...

Bleh. It's not quite so hopeless, only feels that way because sometimes I can't help but see things in a vacuum and it gets stuffy and weird in there. I've really been having a fun time of things and trying to literally get over myself.

And that's how it's been in Xandsland lately...

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