April 19, 2009

My hindrances

Every so often I spend aimless hours looking at my hindrances. You might call these part of my "identity" but I tend to call them hindrances and disadvantages because sadly that's all they are for me. Most of the time. You'll hear me list just a few out every now and then.

I'm black, lesbian, female, atheist, chubby *cough*, short, flat footed (don't laugh, buying shoes sucks for me), kinky haired, and probably a switch (I likes to hit and be hit), probably bipolar (runs in the family, I've not been officially diagnosed though so the jury's out).

A couple of those not too bad, a couple of them probably don't even matter in the scheme of things (don't laugh at my flat feet dude). Why are they hindrances? Because most of them eventually cancel each other out and make it quite hard to get along in life.

Let's take the first three. I'm a girl, putting me at a slight disadvantage in society compared to my male counterparts. I'm a black woman putting me even FURTHER down the ladder and effectively dismissing any issues I may have as either. I'm a black lesbian which gives me a small support group, then I'm an atheist which just sort of strips that support group.

Chubby, well, I'm constantly being told to put the fork down. Short & chubby = morbidly obese despite the fact that I'm pretty healthy according to my doctors, it also means I have to use chairs to get shit out my pantry and that makes me feel inadequate. Having flat feet makes buying shoes a pain. Natural hair makes me ugly to both whites and blacks alike. My sexuality makes me a freak, my potential bipolarness makes me either a faker or a crazy bitch. Or a slut, I forget now.

Stereotypes, they follow me around. I can't do much to shed any of these hindrances no matter how much I wish it some days. I've yet been able to live with most of them and don't know if I will, because whenever I think me and my hindrances are going to settle down together something just stirs up old wounds. I take things to heart and I must call them out to make peace with myself, do you understand?

Except I can't make peace with myself, so what's the point? Do I float in the subspace between my so called identity and what I'm supposed to be? Do I suffer endlessly, painlessly, internally? Or do I do nothing at all? That's the next step after finding out who you are, no matter how many "whos" there are, sadly a lot of the time there are no answers and even more often no one to fully guide you.

I've yet to find my doppleganger (although I've been told I would die if I did), someone like me I can relate to and call upon when I'm stranded with the she-wolves and the lionesses. But maybe someday if I keep trying, if I ever manage to pull myselves together.

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